LOS SPURS: Roe-Day-O Trippin' 2011

Since the inception of the SBC Center in the year 2000 (now the AT&T Center), San Antonio's famed NBA team has been booted from the facility for the duration of the annual slam-jammin' RODEO. This debacle puts the Spurs on the road for nearly two weeks, while the redneckin', yuppified, shit-kickin' bastards of Bexar county rant and rollick to farm animal showcases, bull-riding competitions, and live music. Yes, REAL LIVE MUSIC.

I got some beef. Here's what's on the horizon (synopsis included).

Trekkin' In The Name Of The Alamo

2/1/11 - Vs. Portland: The Trailblazers stand no chance. This pre-rodeo game is just the beginning and will no-doubt end in blazing Tex-Mex success.

2/3/11 - Vs. L.A: ABSOLUTE RIVALS. I hate the Laker's guts. Global Guts. And who's entertaining at the AT&T Center this night, none other than KEVIN FOWLER - the king of crap.

One of the worst "Texas Country" artists to gain mediocre fame, Kevin Fowler seems determined to consistently write dumbass anthems. BEER, BAIT, AND AMMO. 100% TEXAN 'TILL I DIE.

 

Meanwhile, the Spurs have to put up with Kobe Bryant and Ron Artest among other sons a' guns on their home turf. BOGUS BONANZA!

2/4/1 - Vs. Sacramento: The Kings can cram it. After all, TOBY KEITH will be playing in S.A. during this game. KEITH. The Sultan Of Swat. A Forefather of heroic American country anthems. A true cowboy.

2/8/11 - Vs. Detroit: From the West Coast to the city streets of 'Troit, Michigan. It's safe to say that the Silver and Black will shut down the pesky Pistons. Back in Alamo town, country icon turned sitcom humdinger REBA MCENTIRE will be in full bloom. Classical Gas.

2/9/11 - Vs. Toronto: The Raptors are in fact named after an incredibly speedy little dino. A professional athletic team named after a dinosaur is pretty grade-A in my book. But screw it, they're going down! The Canadian dinosaur holocaust will be underway while MERCYME praise the lord on a rotating stage down South. Cool, I guess.

2/11/11 - Vs. Philadelphia: The 76ers will be destroyed by the TACO KINGS. No Holds Barred. Oh yeah, and mom rock sensations TRAIN will be smoothin' the grooves at the rodeo this night. SHE SMOKES A PACK A DAY, WAIT THAT'S ME BUT ANYWAY.

2/12/11 - Vs. Washington: Not much to say. Wizards vs. Spurs. Clay Walker performs. VIVA LA RAZA!

2/14/11 - Vs. New Jersey: Venturing north to Newark. A worthless town full of runts and mutts. Gary Allan takes residence in the River City.

2/17/11 - Vs. Chicago: Windy City Throwdown. This last game of the trip should be a righteous event. It better be, Dr. Lame-oid Shelton, Blake is gonna be takin' it to the next level in S.A.

The Spurs Will Slay On The Open Road.

BOOT SCOOTIN' BOOGIE

THE BOSS MOBILE DELIVERS

2002. CHEVROLET. TAHOE. L.T. - Leather is TUBULAR.

I just took this beast to the carwash and felt the need to capture the raw aggression in all of it's glory before being cleansed. This is how I roll...

The glorious front end. That white scrape on the hood was caused by a minor canoe incident. You see, my mind was wandering at a stoplight and I failed to see a canoe lying horizontally in the pickup bed before me. Next thing I knew there was a canoe on my hood. SWEET MAMMA JAMMA.

A couple of years ago I went on a New Mexican ski trip with a slew of niblett-brained gas passers. Immediately upon arrival to Angel Fire I drove the Boss Mobile into the side of a snow covered mountain, where it stayed for the majority of the trip. The driver's side foglight was sacrificed to the God of Darkness and Winter and I used duct tape to manually fix the corresponding wires. That is the original tape. WAKA WAKA.

Keepin' it real with some swingin' door action. For some ungodly reason I decided to put a TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY bumper sticker on one of my doors. I don't know why, obviously, the school is for dumbasses. 46X-DC9!!

 

The Control Center. Missing some knobs but hey, this thing can still jam and pump some wind. CRUCIAL TAUNT!

 

One of this SUV's most popular features: GOO. Many folks have asked me about this "mess" and I don't know what to tell 'em. It's GOO. That's all I got. THE GOO ABIDES.

 

A pile of discs. One notebook. Compact disc storage case. Alotta good tunes up there. A carnal amount of mixed discs. Gotta keep it real. 

This is where the documents go. 

Some punk got chip crumbs all over the floor of my backseat area. UNNACCEPTABLE. Two tassles, one metal rod, and a pants hanger. THIS RULES.

Just slapped a SPURS decal on this animal. Now I'm ridin' clean and mean. 

KING OF THE ROAD

America The Beautiful

What happened to substantial television programming? I can't turn on the boob-toob without being bombarded by mindless reality shows and soulless nonsense. It forces me to revel in the days where one could enjoy truly remarkable family entertainment on public television. THE WONDER YEARS embodied the suburban American dream at it's prime. The show became a staple of late 80's/early 90's T.V. and is one of the only programs that I have genuinely enjoyed. It's a shame there is no official dvd release (music copyright issues), but you can buy a bootleg of the series here.

O BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS SKIES

Unemployed & Overjoyed

Last week produced an abundance of thought-provoking joy. Here's a rundown of what the hell went down:

I've really been enjoying Whataburger's new Steak Sauce Double. This mammoth-sized beef sandwich is the chain's answer to their discontinued A1 Thick & Hearty Burger, which had risen to cult status by the end of it's run. A1 deserves to be eradicated for discontinuing their contract with Whataburger, hands down the greatest fast food burger empire in American existence. The Steak Sauce Double is basically the same thing as the Thick & Hearty, but with a ZESTIER sauce. Cheers to this new feat and future burger endeavors!

 

I purchased the new Electric Wizard album at Hogwild records last Thursday. The album slays and Hogwild is a fantastic retail quarters. Following this visit, I stopped at an Alamo Heights Valero to obtain some fuel and purchase some snacks. I then discovered the reigning champion of protein bars: TIGER'S MILK. This protein-rich nutrition bar really gave me the strength and energy to ensure a day full of productive activity. NUTRITIONAL ANARCHY.

I've been exercising my jugulars at an extremely affordable strip-mall gym called FITNESS 19. The civilian gym industry is growing exponentially due to the popularity of the shopping mall fitness center. These compact and reliable work-out havens are scattered in every nook and cranny throughout my suburban area. At my Fitness 19 location, it is common to see members working out in business clothes, jump suits, and bohemian apparel. TIME TO GET PHYSICAL.

TEXAS INDEPENDENCE FEST - March 4th-6th 2011

Rarely do I ever get totally revved up for a concert. A couple weeks ago I found out that David Allan Coe would be playing the Cotton Gin in Maxwell and got psyched. This town is just outside of San Marcos, Tx and never gets any good shows. With that being said, I just got word that DOWN will be playing there the next night. ABSOLUTE DOMINATION.

Note: The direct support for DOWN will be none other than San Antonio's NOTHING MORE. I go way back with these hard-working prog-rockers and it's good to see that they get a spot opening for one of my favorite acts.

This is going to be unbelievably awesome.

COLD WHEELS AND THE OPEN ROAD

Just got back from Houston. 3 hours flat. I gotta say, the circumstances were unfortunate, but some good times were had. The weather was mucked up at 10 o'clock this morning when I hit the pavement, but improved with distance. Before I knew it, the sun had made it's way out, the tunes were in full rotation, and my mind was free.