Sellin' Belts Ain't A Walk In The Park

I recently had the privilege of starring in the latest ORCAS IN THE PARK production: SELLIN' BELTS. The film is outstanding and will soon be submitted to several Texas film festivals.

It's all about the smokes.

PEEVED

Here's the scoop on my peeved pets. Dig it and get in it.
In no particular order:

- Water dispensers combined with flavored drink outlets:

Typically Says WATER

Jesus H. Christ!!! Restaurants sure know how to get me tickin'. Nothing's worse than chowing down on some tasty grub and being forced to wash it down with some lemonade-flavored water. WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?

I am an avid water drinker. I don't drink soda. I rarely drink lemonade. Water is pure. Water is great. Water is DIGNIFIED. Show some respect you corporate loons.

- Pocket Clutter:

Gotta Have A Knife.... and some CHAW

I try to avoid these jangly necessities whenever possible. Bulked up pockets really get to my head. Uncomfortable, Uncool. Cluttered pockets are signs of dis-organization. GET IN THE NET.

- Chewing Gum:

I can't stand any sort of chewing gum. It disgusts me. I'm not going to post a picture of anything related to this ooey gooey past-time. Unnatural habitry. Butters my biscuit out the wazoo. Don't chew gum around me.

A Midwestern cousin of mine shares this same viewpoint.

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT WE ROCK N' ROLL. TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT.

LET FREEDOM RING.

RETAIL HIGHLIGHT #1: Academy Sports & Outdoors

Founded in San Antonio in 1938, Academy has set itself apart from other sporting goods retailers in the South. I am a huge fan. No beatin' around the bush at Academy. Just full-blown SPORTING GOODS.

This is a STORE. There is no restaurant. No gigantic aquarium. No video games or fudge stands. Academy provides the essentials at affordable and highly competitive prices.

I'll let Danica say the rest...

Osteen: Mega Church. Mega Chump.

Joel Osteen is just another reason that Houston sucks. Many moons ago, the Summit arena was the stomping grounds for Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon and Charles "Yappa Trappa" Barkley. Now it is an ultra mega church ran by mousse-master OSTEEN.

The guy's a joke. A preacher for the bleachers. A money-makin' Houstonian scum-bag. He may speak a good message, and possibly make a positive impact in one's spiritual life, but I choose to SCORN THE FOOL.

Too much mousse = Too much GOOSE.

SEE YOU IN THE FUNNY PAGES