Saturday, January 15, 2011

THE CHOMP CHRONICLES: CHAPTER 2

I just finished putting my sandwich in the oven, this is what I got cookin'.
  • 2 Slices of sourdough bread (one slathered with Miracle Whip, the other with Grey Poupon)
  • Approximately 3 ounces of turkey breast slices
  • 6 dried roast beef slices
  • 2 circular cuts of deli salami (One spread with a fine cheddar cheese)
  • 7 moderate chunks of pepper jack cheese (cut from the block)
  • A small handful of H-E-B brand mexican style shredded cheese
  • Approximately one ounce of salad olives
I compiled this monstrosity in a diligent manner and placed it in the oven at 405 degrees Fahrenheit with the two halves of the sandwich facing up. In just a moment I will go check and make sure everything is running as planned.

BEFORE
AFTER
Just poured myself a glass of Soy milk. TIME TO THROW DOWN.

Friday, January 14, 2011

If You're In High School, Cut Class And Go To The Mall

Geeze Louise,

It's 10:13 P.M. on a Friday and all I can think about is the mall.

I went to one yesterday. It's called The Shops At La Cantera - nestled in the hills of Northern San Antonio.

The place totally rules. Modern art. Voluptuous scenery. And retail. A crapload of retail.

GET GOING. GET GONE.

LUXURY RETAIL

H-E-B - 100% APPROVED


Founded by Howard E. Butt, this grocery store truly packs a punch. Now that I'm unemployed and living in suburbia, I have the opportunity to visit this fine establishment on a daily basis.

I live closest to an H-E-B Plus, which is without a doubt the crem-della-crem of supermarket grocery chains. Upon arrival two days ago I bought the Sonic Youth disc "Goo," various shaving supplies, and some other-worldly chicken cordon bleu (along with a chunk of stellar macaroni and cheese).

As stated earlier today, I was at a traditional location of this grocer this morning and had a memorable experience. Later today I returned to H-E-B plus and purchased an extensive grocery list that included an atrociously large bag of dog food, several packages of assorted sushi, and two cartons of soy milk.

The most outstanding perk of this location is that there are sample stations open everyday of the week. As opposed to a circus-like college town, suburban H-E-B locations cater to the more wealthy, and possibly the more wise. I don't fall into either category but I've been trying to make the sample rounds at least once a day. As long as I can keep the sample station server convo to a minimum, i'll be gettin' by...

THE FIRST ANNUAL SOUTH PADRE ISLAND "FUN IN THE SUN" MUSIC FESTIVAL: March 14th & 15th

I'm organizing a gigantic outdoor concert on South Padre Island for spring break. This is what I have lined up so far.


Headliners:

LEN


These MC's have got it goin' on. This lesser-known track from the album that bears "Steal My Sunshine" has the potential to drive a massive audience ape-shit.

APACHE INDIAN


Rarely does a song MOVE me. When I first saw DUMB & DUMBER in the movie theater, I remember losing my gourd in a hopeless frenzy. BOOM SHAKA LAKA.

LOU BEGA


This badass jam KILLS. Lou is a zoot-suitin' machine. Taking this madman to the stage has been a priority in the Capps camp. DIG IT.

OMC


What can I say? If the live show is anything like the video, I'm gonna be a MILLIONAIRE. Long live OMC!!

CRASH TEST DUMMIES


These guys wail! Yet another cut from the DUMB & DUMBER soundtrack, the Dummies have left their mark on alt rock history and will bring the real-deal to the island. MMM MMM MMM MMM

 FEATURE COLLABORATION: DES'REE & BILLIE MYERS




Calm, Cool, and Collected. In the heat of the beach madness, Des'ree will hit the stage and all will be tranquil. But the meditation doesn't stop there. Just when the audience has reached euphoria, Billie Myers will take the stage for a once in a lifetime performance. You can't beat this ladies and gents.

This is gonna be definitive.

FUN IN THE SUN FEST
Presented by Suburban Protocol
March 14th & 15th
More details and artist announcements on the way!!!!

PURCHASE POTENTIAL: ABORT

It has been known to me that buying goods off of street salesmen is never the most wise decision. We're talkin' knives, insurance, chocolates, whatever. But recently I have been reminiscing on several experiences in which I've been approached by a questionable individual trying to sell me speakers out of the back of their car.

Years ago, in the parking lot of what was soon to be an H.E.B. PLUS (More on that later), a man in a greasy tie confronted me with a purchasing opportunity. You see, he had just picked up several speaker systems from the factory and they ended up giving him "a couple extra." Apparently these audio devices maintain a retail price of over $1,500 USD but they were willing to negotiate. I took a look at the boxes, they looked sleek and promising, but I declined the offer and went on to buy some groceries (candy bars, french bread, assorted cheeses, candles, etc.)

I quickly forgot about the encounter until months later when a nearly identical situation occured. This has been happening occasionally over the years and just recently happened to my father, Rich L. Capps.

I figured there must be some sort of explanation for this bizarre sales technique so I conducted some research. This bunk sales practice is known as the WHITE VAN SPEAKER SCAM.




Similar experiences have been shared by many and stories have been posted on Crimes Of Persuasion. There is also a feature on Wikipedia.

I was walking into a central San Antonio H.E.B. at 8 A.M. today when some bimbo pulled up next to me and asked if I wanted to buy a brand-new GPS system from him for $250 USD. I told him NO.

Beware of morons, they find their way into the lives of upstanding citizens across the globe. They will try to manipulate you. They will try to cheat you.

But in the end, WE WILL PREVAIL.

FALLEN HEROES RISE WITH THE SUN

The movie: Mac and Me.

This riveting masterpiece delivers a fresh new take on what it's like to grow up as a neglected handicapped child in a world full of naysayers and evil-doers.

Check out Mac's rise as a heroic alien rescuing a helpless wheelchair boy who's just fallen victim to some dire consequences.

 

Thursday, January 13, 2011

JEAN COMPANY

Hopefully you haven't forgotten one of America's most timeless inventions: JNCOs!!!!

These wide-legged denims debuted on the scene in the early nineties and rose to popularity among fart-knockers, wonka-mongrels, gremlin-snoozies, and crud-munglers.

They look like the kind of pants aliens would wear.



4 LYFE!!!

THE THRILL IS GONE

As a young pre-pubescent lad, I held great interest in the workings of thrill rides. Particularly, the great American ROLLERCOASTER. While other kids my age were scurrying 'round the 'hood shootin' hoops and toilet-papering their lousy neighbors, I spent my idol time lurking through the depths of the then burgeoning World Wide Web, searching for the next top news in the roller coaster realm. I knew the when, where, what, and how of coasters. The cusp of evolving coaster technology was at the front of my mind. I had the low-down on all the companies, the world records, the amusement parks, THE WORKS.

But God-forbid, I never gave a DAMN about waterparks.

THE CHOMP CHRONICLES: CHAPTER 1


I eat so many yogurt pretzels. When I chow down on yogurt pretzels, I keep chowin'. I think I might be morphing into a yogurt pretzel. I need to be careful though, being a yogurt pretzel in suburbia could get risky....

He Has Risen - Le Admiral



David Robinson does not deserve to be King or President. Those positions would be inappropriate. He deserves to be a God. Scratch that, THE GOD.

A truly courageous individual. Immortal among us ghastly peasants. His spirit soars high and above the universe, shedding it's glory and wisdom throughout the astral planetary conglomerate.

He can do no wrong.

We are not worthy.

In the San Antonio tradition of keeping creativity at a minimum, we will call this new religion ROBINSONISM. GO SPURS GO.

OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD.

COMMENCEMENT

Good Afternoon bloggers,
I have decided to jump-start my career in the digital world of text development. With hopes of further developing my innovative thought process, this blog will serve as the mecca of cutting edge spiel.

Now, on to the brass tax.

Below you will find a music video for a song called "Locket & Key." This group of middle-aged folk-jammers call themselves DONNA THE BUFFALO and hail from the breezy region of upstate New York. I first came across this musical flick by way of the Great American Country television channel. I soon purchased the full length album "Silverlined" at Barnes & Noble after a dreary plane trip from our nation's most eccentric state, Kansas.

The phenomenon of this song rests in it's consistency of being played in upscale retail environments. Several times throughout my meek existence have I managed to hear that sizzlin' piano hook while shopping in bookstores such as Borders, or at fancy outdoor shopping malls.

The opening lyrics to this dazzling track read "Shake a stick and then you run away." What can I say, the song's got spunk.

The actors in this video are top notch. Also, pay close attention to the vocal showcase at 2:07... Splendid!

Tara Nevins is somethin' of a sight, and the main dude has a bonkers hat.

The banjo work throughout the song is noteworthy.

MATURE MUSIC FOR MATURE PEOPLE.