The Lone Star Sprawl: Trials and Tribulations of Satellite Texas

It's no secret that Texas cities have been expanding aggressively. Unfortunately, this means that one of the state's crappiest cities has given birth to a plethora of stucco sanctuaries over the years. While most big cities across America spawn suburbs, Houston is notorious for producing urban filth galleries, spanning miles beyond the limits of the city's traditional boundaries. URBAN SPRAWL ladies and gentleman. Here's the rundown of select satellite towns...

HOUSTON:

1. SUGARLAND: I've met a fair amount of Jewish people from this territory, as well as some pleasantly insane individuals. No, the pop-country duo of the same name are not from this island getaway.
2. KATY: This dreamy paradise off of IH-10 is home to the Katy Mills Outlet Center, one of the grimiest and distasteful retail shopping experiences in North America.
3. THE WOODLANDS: Home of The Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion, the suburbanite's answer to luxury entertainment. I'm yet to see a performance there, but I might swing by for MY JAZZY VALENTINE - a Multifaceted Exquisite Events Inc. presentation.
4. SPRING - Don't know too much about Spring, except that it SUCKS.
5. KINGWOOD - Not pictured on the above map. I felt the need to mention this suburb due to the overwhelming amount of Kingwood residents I've met that ingest drugs on a regular basis.
6. BELLAIRE - Known as the "City Of Homes," this happenin' residential area is populated by over 15,642 pseudo-Houston fresh princes. In 1996, the city prohibited smoking in public parks. BUMMER!!!
7. PEARLAND - The 34th fastest growing suburb in the nation. GROSS!!!

READ IT AND WEEP

BLADIN' FOR A CAUSE

Yesterday I saw some chic rollerblading on the sidewalk. Pretty cool....

IF YOU'RE FROM A SMALL TOWN, YOU ARE FAMOUS

The business of Nashville never ceases to amaze me. Minutes ago I was sloppin' through a top-notch H-E-B cuisine and came across this gem on the television.

Let the stereotypes begin. Miranda's got somethin' to say alright:

"Whether you're late for church or you're stuck in jail, hey word's gonna get around."

I really don't have much else to say, the song speaks for itself.

Another mega-hit that'll have Lambert and co. swimming in a pool of Benjamins and Southern Thread. I'll leave you with another modern small-town classic:

SCIONS AIN'T BYGONES

For most of my young-adult existence, I had never associated any model of SCION with tremendously ferocious jams.

As a matter a fact, assuming I didn't know what they were talking about, if somebody asked me to guess what bands would be lined up to play a free Scion-sponsored event, I would have probably thought something along the lines of Vampire Weekend, Phoenix, MGMT, etc. I'm not knocking these artists necessarily, it's just easier for me to make the connection between the Scion and a young, hip, and trendy demographic.

Well, somewhere along the line, the Scion's marketing department decided to utilize some heavy metal aficionados to reach out to the American metal underground. Completely out of left field, but they are going about everything the right way, and I can't help but respect their decisions.

Back to the free concert: The third annual SCION ROCKFEST.

Headlined by two of my extreme favorites, MORBID ANGEL and OBITUARY, the blasphemy and blood-curdling growls will be in full swing. The supporting cast is also phenomenal and makes me want to slam some brews and thrash into oblivion.

At this point in time, the lineup comes as no surprise. 2010's Rock Fest featured headliners CANNIBAL CORPSE and SHRINEBUILDER as well as Baghdad's ACRASSICAUDA. 2009 hosted such talent as MASTODON, NEUROSIS, and HIGH ON FIRE.

I have no choice but to believe that all Scions KICK ASS.

Cosmo over at INVISIBLE ORANGES believes that Houston might be the next city to host one of these gracious events. I have to agree, Texas is the perfect place for this kind of free concert, but let's just hope that Houston doesn't make the cut. The city is for thugs, pricks, and evil television preachers. Dallas sucks. Austin is for hipsters.

VIVA SAN ANTONIO.

POP BLISS #1: Dexys Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen

BRILLIANT. Pop music at it's best. Based upon a celtic folk melody, this smash hit transcends from beautiful to DYNAMITE.

Before you know it, the bass and kick drum have simultaneously thumped the song into a swinging major-key melody with consistent piano hits and fiddle-fied backing contributions.

Passionate vocals storm the speakers with swagger and conviction.

The chorus hits like a ton of bricks. The post-chorus banjo line articulates and accents with shameless heroism.

Gimme the bridge. Chanting English lolly-gaggers belt out for EILEEN, speeding up the tempo relentlessy before soaring back into the chorus.

And the song fades.

Pop music has it's moments, and this is one of it's finest.

A couple weeks ago I got into a booze-fueled argument with a food vendor in downtown Austin about the greatest pop songs in history, this was one of them.

TOO-RYE-AY